Deus ex machina

“god from the machine”

“A plot device where a previously intractable problem is suddenly and abruptly solved, usually with the contrived introduction of either characters, abilities, or objects not mentioned before within the storyline. It is generally considered to be a poor storytelling technique because it undermines the story's internal logic.” [source: Wikipedia]

Can you believe that rubbish?! This is what I’ve been reduced to, if the critics are to be believed. I only exist to compensate for poor writing. You are to believe that if the writing is really good, then I’ve had the day off. My services just weren’t needed you see, thank you for coming, but this machine – this story – is godless.

Truth be told, my most powerful work is manifested in the real masterpiece stories. The classics. Writers don’t end up creating brilliance by accident, or, as they’d have you to believe, through their prodigious talent. They get where they’re going through my blood, sweat, and tears, as I lead them to where it is they need to go. Contrived characters? Crap solutions? Those aren’t mine. No, those are the results of one of these “writers” trying to pretend they actually have the aforementioned talent. “Oh, this will be really clever,” they say. Those moments of “inspiration” have become the bane of my existence, as I am the one inevitably shouldering the blame for their stupidity.

“Look at that, that doesn’t make any sense, where’d that come from…deus ex machina!”

No. Sorry. Uh uh. Not happening.

Generally speaking, I’m a kind and benevolent god, but even my patience has limits. With that in mind, I am officially declaring an end to accepting credit for writer error, and unfortunately, the only comprehensive way to do this is to strike a writer down at the moment they commit the offense – nay – the moment they first conceive the offense in their mind.

How can I do such a thing, you might ask. Why, with my laser-beam vision of course.